Long-Past Check-In: A New Hope

As is life..... Life got busy, and I allowed my blogging to fall by the way-side. I am resisting telling myself that I "should" have been writing more often. In one of the groups I facilitate at work, we call this "shoulding" on ourselves. So, I refuse to apologize, however, I believe I may have just covertly did.

As I wrote in my previous blog, I decided to shift my training from running to Crossfit. I wish I could tell you how incredible crossfit has been, however, the change of pace has come with some challenges. As I have indicated, my mental health took a toll on my body physically. Mental health isn't just mental, it takes a toll on you. The lack of energy, the anxiety and the daily struggle to escape your pressing negative thoughts doesn't exactly inspire you to get off the couch and exercise. For most of my life I have been "good" at sports. I've enjoyed relatively good hand-eye coordination and my limbs had always tended to move in the direction I wanted them. Returning to crossfit was a very depressing and frustrating experience. After my first workout I looked at myself and said "you're going to have to get used to be the absolutely worst in your class. Trying to execute the exercises leaves me almost wanting to cry- my body just doesn't do what I want it to do. I become very angry with mental health and subsequently become angered with the lack of support that was available to me. The negative self-talk runs like a tape recorder- "they must think you're so out of shape" " you're probably not even doing it right." While my confidence in the gym struggles, I have realized that while I am in crossfit, I am practicing mindfulness. My thoughts aren't wandering, they are focused on my form, counting repetitions, or simply trying to get through the workout. This was a pleasant and unexpected experience.

Despite the challenges I've experienced, I know it will get easier. The "crossfit community" has been incredibly supportive and encouraging. This is an outlet that I can see developing into a primary coping strategy; I am thankful I've reached out to this network.

Below is my check-in. I've had a tough go with my depression this month, the anxiety of returning to school (regardless if I am actually going or not) still pulls me. Thus, my numbers have dropped- I hope to improve these numbers for next check-in.

I am going to try and write more often. Perhaps report on what "crazy" workout I have been exposed to.

Fourth Measurement

Weight- 200lbs
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 50mg (-50mg's)
Depression Inventory Score 27.5 ( -12 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 28    (-2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $674 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Cameronhelps!

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Shifting Gears a little: A New Starting Line

I'm going to put it out there. I have not even come close to hitting my training goals and a half-marathon seems very intimidating. As I write this blog, I feel a sense of panic arise, and I hear a voice telling my what a failure I am. I've written about the difficult journey of change before, and I thought that as I wrote about change I would have a better sense of how to engage and overcome the difficulty of changing. Well, I haven't, in fact, this whole journey of mental health recovery is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. In retrospect, I believe I had some unrealistic beliefs that my recovery would be this beautiful linear journey. Let me tell you, recovering is a challenging process that is beyond simply putting on running shoes and going for a run; I believe now it's about being frank with yourself and getting to the core of what makes you tick.


Running does not make me tick. From a young age I was implicitly told that being a runner was the highest of standards in the athletic/fitness community. The logic in selecting running as my medium of physical recovery was the notion of aspiring to a high level of fitness. Since starting my blog, I've learned that my recovery is not solely contingent on my physical fitness and true health involves all sorts of other realms (spiritual, social, psychological).


So, if running does make me "tick" than what am I going to do in terms of my physical health. I tried going to Goodlife fitness and I was more annoyed than inspired. So, I started back into Crossfit, which was something I really enjoyed a number of years ago. This morning I completed my first workout and I was the absolute worst in the class. However, I had fun and really enjoyed myself. I decided on my drive into work this morning that I would shift my blog to my mental health recovery, using Crossfit, as opposed to running. I also decided to run a 10k race as opposed to the half-marathon; this was a tough decision and the negative self-talk that chatters away inside me had a field day with this decision. I told myself, an agency (Cameronhelps) will still benefit from my fundraising and I will be doing something (Crossfit) that I actually enjoy.


I am overdue on my check-in, and will do that later this week. I am happy to express that my mental health continues to improve.


Please, if you have not already, donate to the "Go-fundme" account I have set up for Cameronhelps.

Vicarious Resilience: How those I support, care for me.

This afternoon I went for a 6K run. It was hot, I didn't really want to go and I thought about just skipping my run. I told myself that if I went for 10 minutes and still didn't want to run, I would turn back. As Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley and the crew rocked out in my ear phones, I began to think about a topic I had recently presented on at work.

Vicarious Resilience refers to the positive paradigm shift that occurs in helping professionals. When working with folks who have experienced challenging life circumstances we tend to see the harm, damage and negative trauma folks have experienced. I became aware of this early this year- after completing an assessment- I would say to
myself "that poor person." Implicit in my thinking was a deficit understanding of this persons reality; I neglected the strength of their recovery. Vicarious resilience in its simplest terms is the shifting of the "helper" to learn resilience from the people they support. If you're interested in my slide-show presentation- please let me know and I will share it.

I began to think of vicarious resilience on my run. I've been completing assessments for a new group I am running in the community. As I was running I began to think of the stories of recovery from the past few weeks. Stories of diagnosis and life experiences that exceed anything I had experienced. I thought about their journey and felt a sense of inspiration to continue to heal and get well. The incredible journey of people I work with instil a sense of hope in me, not that I will recovery to optimal health, but that there is a life to live admit mental health crisis.

As I looked down at my watch- I had been running for 40:00 minutes. The consumer/survivors I belong to and support gave me the inspiration to continue to take care of myself. This is a form of support that transcends the dominate and mainstream mental health system- this is a system where there aren't clients, or patients; there is only a bond between two people.

3 Month Check-In: Change

Much has changed since my last post. I admittedly neglected writing, there is no particular reason, life sort of "took-off." I am pleased to inform my readers that my three month check-in comes on a positive note. My anxiety and depression have subsided. Further, I have made personal life choices that, while outside of the context of running, have demonstrated to be quite helpful in my day to day life.

First, my training has been going very well. A month ago I discovered a beautiful park within a three minute run from my office in Kitchener. Something I struggled with in previous months was battling the exhaustion of commuting to and from work and facing a run later in the evening. I have intentionally added a few smaller runs in during my lunch break (4-5K) and left my longer runs for the weekend. The outcome has been a realistic balance of exercise, work and personal time with my partner and other outlets of self-care. My longer runs are still not too long- maxing out right now at 8K- as I get closer to the half-marathon, I will start to increase the distance. On a related note, I was offered a full-time contract at work- with the extra money, I have decided to get a 3-day a week membership at Crossfit Guelph. Crossfit was something I really enjoyed, however, the cost was a deterrent. I will keep folks updated on when I begin Crossfit again and how I will implement it into my running.

As I have discussed in previous blogs, I have been working to create more outlets for personal care. On Wednesday, I completed a 6-week meditation class in Guelph, ON. Admittedly, I have my suspicions- how could sitting with my eyes closed for 20minutes possibly help my mental health. The six-week course has been life changing. I've learned a lot about mindfulness and being present in the here and now, as opposed to worrying about the past or future. Sitting quietly and turning your attention inward to your present sensations and emotions has been a strange experience. The other week I sat for 25minutes, after 10 minutes of sitting I was quite focused on my present emotional state. To my surprise I began to cry, there was a noticeable source of pain that was located in my stomach and in my heart. Instead of avoiding it, I remained present with it and breathed through the discomfort.  I "awoke" feeling quite attuned and in touch with myself. A very empowering experience.

Here are my 3-month numbers. I have not weighed myself in a few weeks, so I do not have that number. Nonetheless, I wanted to comment on my weight numbers. The first medication I take, a mood-stabilizer, makes losing weight very difficult. In fact, a lot of folks who start off on that medication gain considerable weight. The medication makes me feel better, and I've decided that I would rather be heavier than return to feeling as though I am in crisis. This is a difficult decision that many who take psychotropic medication make- a brave one in my opinion.


Third Measurement

Weight- ??
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 50mg (-50mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 25 (- 15 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 28    (-2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $574 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Cameronhelps!

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Balance

Balance, what a concept. I think we live in a society that is somewhat unbalanced. In a capitalist society we are implicitly fed messages that hard work, dedication and an uncritical firm attachment to our work is regarded as "good for us." When I reflect on the last eight years of my life, I have lived a unbalanced life. Education, scholarship, social work and my professional sense of self, became my identity. I defined myself through my occupation and one of many things that interest me. Using an old analogy, all of my eggs had been placed into one basket. In our work-centric society, I was complimented for having a strong work ethic, I was "passionate." Beyond my awareness, was crumbling of other interests, sources of enjoyment and interpersonal outlets. I stopped paying attention to "Scott." A literal definition of mental health is the ability to physically and psychologically cope and manage with stressful events that occur in our daily lives. The ability to cope and rebound comes from the activities and ways of being we engage in that bring us enjoyment and meaning. When I fell into absolute crisis, I did not have the reserves to help me manage the "stressful events" that were occurring in my life. Those reserves were completely impoverished due to the unbalanced way I had been living.

I've eluded to this in other blog posts, the emphasis I placed on exercise to heal my wounds, is the same unbalanced way of living that got me into trouble in the first place. My recovery journey cannot only be contingent on running, weight lifting and eating well; I need wholeistic balance. Running and going to counselling are great practices for mental health recovery, however, they only capture a small piece of the pie. I want to build on what I am already doing well, and include dimensions such as; intellectual health, social health, spiritual health, among other domains. Defining these areas and taking time to engage in them is essentially balance!

My running is slowly coming along. I haven't posted a lot about training goals and distances yet, because I am still a little unstructured in the duration and frequency of my workouts. I am planning on joining a local crossfit gym in Guelph- I am hoping that this will ramp-up my training.


Please consider donating to CameronHelps- My goal is to reach $2,000 by October. No donation is too small :)

2 Month Check-In

It is hard to believe that it has been two months since I started my campaign. This journey has offered me more insight into my mental health than I anticipated. It has also invited me into the challenging and frustrating process of changing. When I started this work, I had this implicit assumption that I would "draw a line in the sand" and everything would automatically improve. My two month check-in reflects the difficulty making change is in one's life. I am open about this difficulty, because I suspect that others experience this challenge. In sharing my difficultly, I hope to normalize the process of change as a non-linear journey.

The distorted ways I think sometimes have been extremely critical lately, and I have invested a lot of energy into trying to sooth those thoughts.

What are these distorted thoughts you ask- in counselling, specifically, cognitive-behavioural work, counsellors work with their clients to unearth and challenge locked and unhelpful ways of thinking. For me, I tend to view the world as "black and white," this is often referred to as "all or nothing" thinking. For me, if I did not complete the entirety of my run or missed a run, I at times assume I have failed and let myself down. In social work- counsellors work with folks to see the "grey" between the "black" and "white." Another mode of unhelpful thinking is catastrophic thinking. If I don't train to the lofty goals I set for myself (another thinking distortion) I will experience anxiety and worry I have let people, groups down. So, these are the narratives I have been wrestling with this month.

Generally, I had a rough month. I went out on vacation for 5 days and didn't eat as well as I hoped. I fell off my training regime and as discussed earlier, became quite self-critical of my campaign. The self-criticism (thoughts) influence my behaviour- in this case I got a little down and lost the motivation to train. Nonetheless, I have jumped back on the horse this weekend and have had two good runs and a great weight workout.

I do not think change is linear. My goal for this month is to continue to be gentle on myself and allow myself to make mistakes. Every major change I have made in my life had it's stumbling blocks- the nature of change is overcoming those challenges- it makes us resilient. ;)


Second Measurement

Weight- 199lbs (- 6lbs)
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 100mg (-+25mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 36 (+ 6 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 33    (+ 2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $405 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Reconnecting with Life

"Depression is not the absence of happiness- it is the void of vitality"- Andrew Solomon

When I started this blog, my goal was a little narrow. I wanted to reconnect with the athlete inside of me. Through the medium of exercise, I believed that improved physical activity would transcend into a better grasp on my mental health. What's narrow about this goal is that I did not consider what I had actually "disconnected from" and what I would start to "reconnect" with as my mental health improved. I think there is a difference between merely being alive and living, when I talk about finding the spark to live, I am referring to the kindling of passion, interest, and adventure.

In retrospect, as my mental illness got worse, I disengaged from a lot of various spheres in my life. I am sure many of you have heard of the common symptoms of depression " a loss of enjoyment in activities you previously enjoyed." Tied to this is the tendency for some folks to isolate themselves away from friends and family. I think that as my mental health decreased, I disconnected from the various facets of "living." I stopped going out with friends, I stopped going to the gym, I stopped reading, I stopped going outside, I stopped visiting family, I stopped writing, I stopped investing myself into my work. Introversion is something I have always identified with, and I still believe that I need silence and alone time, however, I do not think my disconnection from "living" was a reflection of introversion. As my mental health got worse, I found refuge in the solace of the couch and the glow of my computer screen. The consequence of my sedentary isolation was a worsening of my mental health and a drastic reducing in my physical health.

Over the past two weeks, there has been a spark. A small flicker of something inside, which is something I genuinely have not felt in years. I noticed today at the gym that I was intentionally connecting with outlets outside of the "safe" and limiting confines of my couch. I am reaching out, and this goes beyond merely running and weight lifting. I feel a flicker of passion at work again, I am reaching out and investing myself, I feel the urge to read a book, and am missing the people around me. I think living is very different than getting by; I think, I hope, I am starting to live again.

It is supporting and nurturing the reconnecting with "living" that I try and support clients who come to my office with. I often find that there is a lot of sludge that weighs down the motivation to get going again. Medication and therapy are only a part of one's recovery- finding the will to engage in life again is the trick. For me, I celebrate this small success, it's a start..

New Partnership, Training Update

My training this week slipped somewhat. For the past two weeks, I had been generating some momentum and was feeling quite good about my progress. I can't put my finger on what was different about this than others. I felt as though the motivation to get out and physically move my body just wasn't there. In reflection, I had regressed into some older habits that don't support both my mental and physical health. From working with clients who are working to make change in their lives, I know that this step-back is a part of the change process. For those of you outside of the helping profession, there are a series of stages one passes through. For the past few weeks I shifted into what is called "the action stage." The model is cyclical, meaning a person moves through the stages and can experience "relapse." The re-enter to a place before "action" (pre-contemplation or contemplation) and try taking "action" through changing again. As I "relapsed" this week, it was interesting, I my self-criticism became harsher, my concentration shortened, and my body felt uncoordinated and heavy.

Motivation to jump back into the "action" stage came this week when I met with a community partner through the Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council. Together, we discussed my work, what I was intending to achieve and how the money I am raising could be put to use. I am pleased to announce I have formed a partnership with a wonderful organization called "Cameron Helps." This organization was founded after 19 year old youth named Cameron suicided. From this tragedy, CameronHelps aims to prevent teen suicide through awareness, reducing stigma and wellness. Team Unbreakable is its flagship recreational run program, now in more than 25 Ontario high schools. It also offers a run-therapy program for hospitals, community and health agencies. 

With some community support, I will re-enter, the action stage and as gently as I can, push myself to complete both my fundraising and fitness goals. 

CameronHelps Website- cameronhelps.ca

GoFundme Fundraising Site: https://funds.gofundme.com/dashboard

- OR Click on the CameronHelps donation badge at the top of the blog.


This Week's Training: 
Monday- Strength Training 
Tuesday- 3 miles
Wednesday- Strength Training 
Thursday- 3 miles
Friday- Rest
Saturday- 4 miles
Sunday- 3 miles

Becoming Uniquely Human

Something occurred to me the other day. I was sitting in a staff meeting and I heard a very empowering story of another individuals mental health recovery. The story sounded like many others I had read about and heard from other survivors. First, I want to clarify, recovery is a specific practice orientation in the mental health field. When I write about my "recovery" I am touching on the practice of learning to engage in practices that allows one to live and engage in their environment in a meaningful, intentional and purposeful way. I am not expressing an definitive end-point where the manifestations of  mental health are magically removed. The notion of an "illness" being matched with a "cure" to restore one to a state of equilibrium is a notion that is deeply rooted in our medical system. Example, you have a cough, you go to your doctor, they give you a prescription and the cough is subsequently treated. In mental health recovery work, one's situation is incredibly subjective and there is no, at this time, a cure all for trick, medication or therapy, that removes symptoms. Mental health recovery is about engaging in a way of living that allows one to really live with mental illness, but in a more tolerable, comfortable and intensional way. There is no end point, one is always engaging in recovery and fine tuning their recovery plan. Some folks reach the point of not requiring medications; this does not mean that they will never need medication again- rather, at this fixed time they are engaging in other recovery strategies.

Back to the imprint of this narrative on my own recovery plan. For a number of years I think I was waiting for that "cure" to completely remove my symptoms. I had this myopic view, despite working in mental health, that a psychiatrist, therapist or a pill would one day restore me back to pre-depression/anxiety. The individual who shared their story with me expressed that their journey through recovery was inspired when they realized that "nobody else was going to do this but themselves." I realized that nobody else, including professional help and medication, was going to wave a magic wand over me and remove my symptoms. One of my favourite mental health scholars, Pat Deegan, describes the process of recovery in the most eloquent of terms- recovery is not the process of becoming normal, rather it is the process of becoming uniquely human.

I think this insight into my own recovery journey, the one I am sharing publicly, really instills and contextualizes what I hope to get out of this process. My recovery is more than completing a half-marathon, rather the journey of training for this half-marathon serves to ignite the myriad of other strategies that will assist me in becoming uniquely human.

First Check-In and Progress Update

When I ran my first half-marathon, I was 25 years old. At the ripe old age of 31, I am finding the training process quite draining and uncomfortable. My body is slightly slower to recover from my long runs, which has been a little frustrating. I am still finding the combination of weight training and running quite difficult- I think this will take longer than I anticipated. A substantial piece of the equation is the sedentary lifestyle I've lived for the past few years. Especially when my mental health worsened, I found a lot of safety and security on the couch. I don't think my fitness has ever been as low as it was when I started this journey. Again, a symptom or physical marker of that invisible shadow that has resided in my head for the last while.

My 31st birthday was over the weekend. I gave myself permission to eat and drink anything I wanted. While this enjoyed, veering off my "diet" really brought me down. I shifted from feeling quite energetic back to a consistent sense of fatigue. For those of you who take mental health medication, you will know that alcohol really throws you. My training did suffer over the weekend and into this week. Setbacks will occur- some running is better than no running and I am reminding myself to "be gentle" on my self-criticism.

Aside from the discomfort, I do believe I am making progress. My partner still kicks my butt on our runs, however, I am finding the mechanics of running are a little better "programmed." My long runs have gotten up to 7K and I am in a place now where I will formally use a running program. I forgot to write about this earlier, however, the first few weeks were merely getting my legs and lungs moving. Now that I am covering some distances in my run, I am follow a running program. Mentally, I am feeling well (touch wood). My first month measurements are promising.


I will update everyone with the specific running plan that I select.

First Measurement

Weight- 200lbs (- 5lbs)
Medication #1- 200mg
Medication # 2- 75mg (- 25mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 34 (- 6 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 31  (- 1 point)


Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council Fund- $185 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Fatigue and Giving Shape to an Invisible Foe

A number of individuals warned me of over training prior to starting this journey. Fatigue set in early in the week and took some of the wind out of my sails. When you've experienced mental illness or are working through depression, that fatigue can be quite a punch. I missed one of my strength training days this week and missed a workout last night. I struggle with that internal irrational voice telling me that if I don't hit all of my training goals this week, then my marathon is in jeopardy. To challenge that loud and rather intrusive voice, I took a page out of my therapy work with folks who are making changes in their lives. I reminded myself "to be gentle on myself." I gave myself permission to recover and relax- the run is in October- and some running is certainly better than no running. On a more positive note, I have found my legs are adapting a bit better than last week.

In my previous post I described looking at myself in the mirror and noticing weight gain. There was a subtle nuance that I was not aware of until I spoke to a colleague at work. Non-fatal self injury/harm accompanies some folks experience with strong emotion. On a broad sense, self-harm serves a number of functions for individuals trying to cope with overwhelming emotion. First, there is the release of energy and feeling through psychical pain. Second, there is the mere desire to "feel" something- anything amid the bleakness of depression. For others, and this is where I think I was touching on last week, is the desire have a physical representation of an "illness" that you cannot see. I wonder if my emotional binge eating and neglect for my health was a form of self-harming behaviour. I feel that having something physical to attach to an invisible struggle validated (s) that indeed my experience is/was real.

I am moved by the generous donations that have been in through my "GoFundme" site. I have connected with the Executive Director of the Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council and we are meeting Monday to firm my fundraising campaign. If you wish to donate- please click on the link below.

http://www.gofundme.com/http-mentalhealt

Itiching for a slice of pizza and my first "Long Run."

Every second end of the week I go out for lunch. Today, I craved a slice of greasey pizza. I challenged myself to opt for a Quinoa salad instead.  I am reminding myself that food can be fuel.

Before going away for the weekend- I "hit the gym" for my second strength training session of the week. I acknowledged the rather critical messages I was sending myself, " everyone at this gym is so further ahead of me" "What am I doing? Using machines and not free-weights? Really Scott." The messages that were tumbling through my head were things I would never say to someone else- why are we so hard on ourselves? Or, it is just me and I am just hard on myself..

When I was changing, I looked in the mirror and saw how out of shape I was. I wondered if this was a physical representation of my mental illness. Emotional eating with the loss of energy that comes with depression, were a one-two punch on my physical health. Some mention that mental illness is an invisible "illness"- perhaps the weight gain was the "cast" that we would put on a broken wrist. In a sense this was validation that I had been through a tough patch.

Over the weekend I completed my "long run." My partner encouraged me to go beyond the 5k I thought I could complete. Together we ran 6k in 41minutes- my partner ran in front of me and looped back to encourage me to keep going. In the end, I was amazed that I chugged a long for that long. After the run, I was amazed with how good I felt. My sometimes wild emotions were relatively tamed and I was reminded with the increased ability to hold my attention to a task; I didn't feel nearly as scattered.

For this week- I will build on the momentum I've generated. For me, the hardest part was starting- I've got the ball rolling! I have to remind myself to take micro steps- I don't want this "zest" to lead to injury.

Training Goals: 

Mon- Rest

Tuesday- 5k

Wednesday- Increase weight by 5 pounds

Thursday- 5K

Friday- 3K

Saturday- Lift same weight at Tuesday

Sunday- Run 7k

Spare a muffin? Or Three? My First Weight Workout and Run

When the psychiatrist put me on one of my medications, he warned that I would crave carbs. Since starting the medication, I blindly ate what I craved, not really realizing that the cravings were bothering me. This morning as I pulled into work, all I wanted was a chocolate chip muffin. I could almost taste it in my mouth- I made a conscious effort to get into my office and drink the water I had packed.

Yesterday I went for my first run; completing 4k. As I was running I was very aware and self-conscious of how out of shape I felt and must have looked. I felt like a linebacker rumbling up the path- it was clunky, uncomfortable and nowhere near as "enjoying" as I hoped it would be. I kept reminding myself that "this too shall pass" and that in time, this won't feel as foreign and mechanic like. Also, growing up in a running family, I was surrounded by "athletes" who appeared to run well. Those self-defeating thoughts trickled into my consciousness, reminding me that I was not the perfect athlete. I wondered what the pack of "University of Guelph Cross Country team" must have thought as they whipped by me. This run will take more courage that I originally thought.

My first weight workout was another explicit reminder how out of shape I was. A circuit series that focused on chest, back and legs really sucked a lot of energy out of me. As instructed, I did 2 sets of 10 reps on a series of weight machines. There's a small piece of me that remembers how good it felt to get the heart pumping.

I have started a fundraising campaign. I hope that folks will donate. I am looking at a local suicide committee in Waterloo- I will announce the agency when I complete my follow up talks with them.

Click the link below to donate!
http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Again- thank you so much for your support!

Ready? Set? GO!

A number of people have asked me why I selected running out of the myriad of other forms of aerobic exercise. I think growing up in a "running family" swayed my decision. However, there is an aspect of running that I find peaceful. I have never been a fan of gyms and fitness centres. Running provides me with a solitary outlet; an opportunity to be outside and alone with my thoughts. Another aspect I have always enjoyed about running is that it fits so easily into my schedule. All I need is a route, training shoes and some water. When I completed the Toronto Half Marathon a number of years ago, I was fittest and mentally sound I had ever been. That's a version of myself I want back; I always ask my clients "whats has worked that you're not doing right now?" For me, it was training for a goal- reaching a finish line and patting myself on the back after a job well done.

I was thinking today, I am going to try and take as many pictures of my training, nutrition and accomplishments along the way. I love the idea of having a photo journal. Also, as I read more about mental health and running, I will gladly post those little factoids in my writing.

Tomorrow is my first training day. I've committed to training 6 days a week. Coincidentally, Monday's will be my rest day- so I "took the night off" this evening. Aaron Grainge from FitPrograms was kind enough to make me a two day a week strength training program. Strength training will literally give me the anaerobic strength to complete the race. In terms of running, the idea is not to run your farthest distance over and over again; I will run my farthest run once a week. Also, I am going to do as many runs as possible outside and not on a treadmill. Learning to pace myself was something I found difficult during my last run. A treadmill sets the pace for you- thus making it hard to train your body to do it for itself. Two of my runs will be medium in length and I will have one shorter easy run a week. Below is my schedule.

Monday- Rest
Tuesday- Medium
Wednesday- Strength Training
Thursday-Medium
Friday-Short Run
Saturday-Long Run 
Sunday-Strength Training 

An update of my various assessments. In an effort to avoid measuring my mere proficiency at taking the two mental health scales- I will only assess myself once a month. Furthermore, I will report on my weight and medication use twice a month. And finally, I will share my experiences as they come to me throughout the week.

Thank you everyone for your support.

PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

At the Starting Line

 Running from Pills, Pathology and Pizza is a transparent qualitative and quantitative journal as I train for the Toronto Half Marathon. For the next seven months, I will monitor and report on a number of variables related to my experience with depression and anxiety.

 There is a breadth of literature surrounding aerobic exercise and mental health recovery. Starting a training program is a natural way to personally explore and test how fitness and exercise effects my experience of depression and anxiety. Why am I doing this? I want to engage folks in an honest discussion around mental health. I want to perhaps support others who have had similar experiences- who knows, some of you may join me on this journey.

To measure progress, I will be using two metrics; The Beck Depression Inventory and the Beck Anxiety Inventory. A word of caution- these are "google" versions of the empirically supported instruments. Nonetheless, the two instruments should provide me a baseline and a consistent measurement throughout my experiment. Other variables I want to measure include my weight and medication dosage. Some of the literature I reviewed indicated that medication use declined as folks adhered to an aerobic fitness plan. One confound is the relationship between my medication and weight. One of the two medications I take has weight gain as a side-effect. I am curious to see how my weight will contrast against the dosage of this medication. Another confound will be my regular participation in therapy. I am not prepared to stop going to therapy for this experiment- thus I was to be explicit in this limitation.

Here is how this is going to work. I will discuss my training one to two times a week. Reporting on how it's going, what is working, what I am struggling with. Twice a month, I will measure my depression and anxiety on a scale and discuss how my mental health has either improved, remained the same, or decreased. Furthermore, I will share my medication use (code them as "Medication #1 and Medication #2) and report on their dosage.

Diet and nutrition are of paramount importance to training and mental health. Instead of reporting everything I eat- I will generally discuss my diet an report on cravings and struggles. My training routine will consist of one short run, two medium length runs, one long run and two strength training days. Nutrition as stated will be monitored- I will allow a cheat meal and snack once a week.

Baseline
Weight- 205lbs
Medication #1- 200mg
Medication # 2- 100mg
Depression Inventory Score- 40
Anxiety Inventory Score- 32


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