Long-Past Check-In: A New Hope

As is life..... Life got busy, and I allowed my blogging to fall by the way-side. I am resisting telling myself that I "should" have been writing more often. In one of the groups I facilitate at work, we call this "shoulding" on ourselves. So, I refuse to apologize, however, I believe I may have just covertly did.

As I wrote in my previous blog, I decided to shift my training from running to Crossfit. I wish I could tell you how incredible crossfit has been, however, the change of pace has come with some challenges. As I have indicated, my mental health took a toll on my body physically. Mental health isn't just mental, it takes a toll on you. The lack of energy, the anxiety and the daily struggle to escape your pressing negative thoughts doesn't exactly inspire you to get off the couch and exercise. For most of my life I have been "good" at sports. I've enjoyed relatively good hand-eye coordination and my limbs had always tended to move in the direction I wanted them. Returning to crossfit was a very depressing and frustrating experience. After my first workout I looked at myself and said "you're going to have to get used to be the absolutely worst in your class. Trying to execute the exercises leaves me almost wanting to cry- my body just doesn't do what I want it to do. I become very angry with mental health and subsequently become angered with the lack of support that was available to me. The negative self-talk runs like a tape recorder- "they must think you're so out of shape" " you're probably not even doing it right." While my confidence in the gym struggles, I have realized that while I am in crossfit, I am practicing mindfulness. My thoughts aren't wandering, they are focused on my form, counting repetitions, or simply trying to get through the workout. This was a pleasant and unexpected experience.

Despite the challenges I've experienced, I know it will get easier. The "crossfit community" has been incredibly supportive and encouraging. This is an outlet that I can see developing into a primary coping strategy; I am thankful I've reached out to this network.

Below is my check-in. I've had a tough go with my depression this month, the anxiety of returning to school (regardless if I am actually going or not) still pulls me. Thus, my numbers have dropped- I hope to improve these numbers for next check-in.

I am going to try and write more often. Perhaps report on what "crazy" workout I have been exposed to.

Fourth Measurement

Weight- 200lbs
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 50mg (-50mg's)
Depression Inventory Score 27.5 ( -12 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 28    (-2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $674 out of $2,000
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http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Shifting Gears a little: A New Starting Line

I'm going to put it out there. I have not even come close to hitting my training goals and a half-marathon seems very intimidating. As I write this blog, I feel a sense of panic arise, and I hear a voice telling my what a failure I am. I've written about the difficult journey of change before, and I thought that as I wrote about change I would have a better sense of how to engage and overcome the difficulty of changing. Well, I haven't, in fact, this whole journey of mental health recovery is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. In retrospect, I believe I had some unrealistic beliefs that my recovery would be this beautiful linear journey. Let me tell you, recovering is a challenging process that is beyond simply putting on running shoes and going for a run; I believe now it's about being frank with yourself and getting to the core of what makes you tick.


Running does not make me tick. From a young age I was implicitly told that being a runner was the highest of standards in the athletic/fitness community. The logic in selecting running as my medium of physical recovery was the notion of aspiring to a high level of fitness. Since starting my blog, I've learned that my recovery is not solely contingent on my physical fitness and true health involves all sorts of other realms (spiritual, social, psychological).


So, if running does make me "tick" than what am I going to do in terms of my physical health. I tried going to Goodlife fitness and I was more annoyed than inspired. So, I started back into Crossfit, which was something I really enjoyed a number of years ago. This morning I completed my first workout and I was the absolute worst in the class. However, I had fun and really enjoyed myself. I decided on my drive into work this morning that I would shift my blog to my mental health recovery, using Crossfit, as opposed to running. I also decided to run a 10k race as opposed to the half-marathon; this was a tough decision and the negative self-talk that chatters away inside me had a field day with this decision. I told myself, an agency (Cameronhelps) will still benefit from my fundraising and I will be doing something (Crossfit) that I actually enjoy.


I am overdue on my check-in, and will do that later this week. I am happy to express that my mental health continues to improve.


Please, if you have not already, donate to the "Go-fundme" account I have set up for Cameronhelps.