2 Month Check-In

It is hard to believe that it has been two months since I started my campaign. This journey has offered me more insight into my mental health than I anticipated. It has also invited me into the challenging and frustrating process of changing. When I started this work, I had this implicit assumption that I would "draw a line in the sand" and everything would automatically improve. My two month check-in reflects the difficulty making change is in one's life. I am open about this difficulty, because I suspect that others experience this challenge. In sharing my difficultly, I hope to normalize the process of change as a non-linear journey.

The distorted ways I think sometimes have been extremely critical lately, and I have invested a lot of energy into trying to sooth those thoughts.

What are these distorted thoughts you ask- in counselling, specifically, cognitive-behavioural work, counsellors work with their clients to unearth and challenge locked and unhelpful ways of thinking. For me, I tend to view the world as "black and white," this is often referred to as "all or nothing" thinking. For me, if I did not complete the entirety of my run or missed a run, I at times assume I have failed and let myself down. In social work- counsellors work with folks to see the "grey" between the "black" and "white." Another mode of unhelpful thinking is catastrophic thinking. If I don't train to the lofty goals I set for myself (another thinking distortion) I will experience anxiety and worry I have let people, groups down. So, these are the narratives I have been wrestling with this month.

Generally, I had a rough month. I went out on vacation for 5 days and didn't eat as well as I hoped. I fell off my training regime and as discussed earlier, became quite self-critical of my campaign. The self-criticism (thoughts) influence my behaviour- in this case I got a little down and lost the motivation to train. Nonetheless, I have jumped back on the horse this weekend and have had two good runs and a great weight workout.

I do not think change is linear. My goal for this month is to continue to be gentle on myself and allow myself to make mistakes. Every major change I have made in my life had it's stumbling blocks- the nature of change is overcoming those challenges- it makes us resilient. ;)


Second Measurement

Weight- 199lbs (- 6lbs)
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 100mg (-+25mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 36 (+ 6 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 33    (+ 2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $405 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Reconnecting with Life

"Depression is not the absence of happiness- it is the void of vitality"- Andrew Solomon

When I started this blog, my goal was a little narrow. I wanted to reconnect with the athlete inside of me. Through the medium of exercise, I believed that improved physical activity would transcend into a better grasp on my mental health. What's narrow about this goal is that I did not consider what I had actually "disconnected from" and what I would start to "reconnect" with as my mental health improved. I think there is a difference between merely being alive and living, when I talk about finding the spark to live, I am referring to the kindling of passion, interest, and adventure.

In retrospect, as my mental illness got worse, I disengaged from a lot of various spheres in my life. I am sure many of you have heard of the common symptoms of depression " a loss of enjoyment in activities you previously enjoyed." Tied to this is the tendency for some folks to isolate themselves away from friends and family. I think that as my mental health decreased, I disconnected from the various facets of "living." I stopped going out with friends, I stopped going to the gym, I stopped reading, I stopped going outside, I stopped visiting family, I stopped writing, I stopped investing myself into my work. Introversion is something I have always identified with, and I still believe that I need silence and alone time, however, I do not think my disconnection from "living" was a reflection of introversion. As my mental health got worse, I found refuge in the solace of the couch and the glow of my computer screen. The consequence of my sedentary isolation was a worsening of my mental health and a drastic reducing in my physical health.

Over the past two weeks, there has been a spark. A small flicker of something inside, which is something I genuinely have not felt in years. I noticed today at the gym that I was intentionally connecting with outlets outside of the "safe" and limiting confines of my couch. I am reaching out, and this goes beyond merely running and weight lifting. I feel a flicker of passion at work again, I am reaching out and investing myself, I feel the urge to read a book, and am missing the people around me. I think living is very different than getting by; I think, I hope, I am starting to live again.

It is supporting and nurturing the reconnecting with "living" that I try and support clients who come to my office with. I often find that there is a lot of sludge that weighs down the motivation to get going again. Medication and therapy are only a part of one's recovery- finding the will to engage in life again is the trick. For me, I celebrate this small success, it's a start..

New Partnership, Training Update

My training this week slipped somewhat. For the past two weeks, I had been generating some momentum and was feeling quite good about my progress. I can't put my finger on what was different about this than others. I felt as though the motivation to get out and physically move my body just wasn't there. In reflection, I had regressed into some older habits that don't support both my mental and physical health. From working with clients who are working to make change in their lives, I know that this step-back is a part of the change process. For those of you outside of the helping profession, there are a series of stages one passes through. For the past few weeks I shifted into what is called "the action stage." The model is cyclical, meaning a person moves through the stages and can experience "relapse." The re-enter to a place before "action" (pre-contemplation or contemplation) and try taking "action" through changing again. As I "relapsed" this week, it was interesting, I my self-criticism became harsher, my concentration shortened, and my body felt uncoordinated and heavy.

Motivation to jump back into the "action" stage came this week when I met with a community partner through the Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council. Together, we discussed my work, what I was intending to achieve and how the money I am raising could be put to use. I am pleased to announce I have formed a partnership with a wonderful organization called "Cameron Helps." This organization was founded after 19 year old youth named Cameron suicided. From this tragedy, CameronHelps aims to prevent teen suicide through awareness, reducing stigma and wellness. Team Unbreakable is its flagship recreational run program, now in more than 25 Ontario high schools. It also offers a run-therapy program for hospitals, community and health agencies. 

With some community support, I will re-enter, the action stage and as gently as I can, push myself to complete both my fundraising and fitness goals. 

CameronHelps Website- cameronhelps.ca

GoFundme Fundraising Site: https://funds.gofundme.com/dashboard

- OR Click on the CameronHelps donation badge at the top of the blog.


This Week's Training: 
Monday- Strength Training 
Tuesday- 3 miles
Wednesday- Strength Training 
Thursday- 3 miles
Friday- Rest
Saturday- 4 miles
Sunday- 3 miles