Becoming Uniquely Human

Something occurred to me the other day. I was sitting in a staff meeting and I heard a very empowering story of another individuals mental health recovery. The story sounded like many others I had read about and heard from other survivors. First, I want to clarify, recovery is a specific practice orientation in the mental health field. When I write about my "recovery" I am touching on the practice of learning to engage in practices that allows one to live and engage in their environment in a meaningful, intentional and purposeful way. I am not expressing an definitive end-point where the manifestations of  mental health are magically removed. The notion of an "illness" being matched with a "cure" to restore one to a state of equilibrium is a notion that is deeply rooted in our medical system. Example, you have a cough, you go to your doctor, they give you a prescription and the cough is subsequently treated. In mental health recovery work, one's situation is incredibly subjective and there is no, at this time, a cure all for trick, medication or therapy, that removes symptoms. Mental health recovery is about engaging in a way of living that allows one to really live with mental illness, but in a more tolerable, comfortable and intensional way. There is no end point, one is always engaging in recovery and fine tuning their recovery plan. Some folks reach the point of not requiring medications; this does not mean that they will never need medication again- rather, at this fixed time they are engaging in other recovery strategies.

Back to the imprint of this narrative on my own recovery plan. For a number of years I think I was waiting for that "cure" to completely remove my symptoms. I had this myopic view, despite working in mental health, that a psychiatrist, therapist or a pill would one day restore me back to pre-depression/anxiety. The individual who shared their story with me expressed that their journey through recovery was inspired when they realized that "nobody else was going to do this but themselves." I realized that nobody else, including professional help and medication, was going to wave a magic wand over me and remove my symptoms. One of my favourite mental health scholars, Pat Deegan, describes the process of recovery in the most eloquent of terms- recovery is not the process of becoming normal, rather it is the process of becoming uniquely human.

I think this insight into my own recovery journey, the one I am sharing publicly, really instills and contextualizes what I hope to get out of this process. My recovery is more than completing a half-marathon, rather the journey of training for this half-marathon serves to ignite the myriad of other strategies that will assist me in becoming uniquely human.

First Check-In and Progress Update

When I ran my first half-marathon, I was 25 years old. At the ripe old age of 31, I am finding the training process quite draining and uncomfortable. My body is slightly slower to recover from my long runs, which has been a little frustrating. I am still finding the combination of weight training and running quite difficult- I think this will take longer than I anticipated. A substantial piece of the equation is the sedentary lifestyle I've lived for the past few years. Especially when my mental health worsened, I found a lot of safety and security on the couch. I don't think my fitness has ever been as low as it was when I started this journey. Again, a symptom or physical marker of that invisible shadow that has resided in my head for the last while.

My 31st birthday was over the weekend. I gave myself permission to eat and drink anything I wanted. While this enjoyed, veering off my "diet" really brought me down. I shifted from feeling quite energetic back to a consistent sense of fatigue. For those of you who take mental health medication, you will know that alcohol really throws you. My training did suffer over the weekend and into this week. Setbacks will occur- some running is better than no running and I am reminding myself to "be gentle" on my self-criticism.

Aside from the discomfort, I do believe I am making progress. My partner still kicks my butt on our runs, however, I am finding the mechanics of running are a little better "programmed." My long runs have gotten up to 7K and I am in a place now where I will formally use a running program. I forgot to write about this earlier, however, the first few weeks were merely getting my legs and lungs moving. Now that I am covering some distances in my run, I am follow a running program. Mentally, I am feeling well (touch wood). My first month measurements are promising.


I will update everyone with the specific running plan that I select.

First Measurement

Weight- 200lbs (- 5lbs)
Medication #1- 200mg
Medication # 2- 75mg (- 25mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 34 (- 6 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 31  (- 1 point)


Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council Fund- $185 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Fatigue and Giving Shape to an Invisible Foe

A number of individuals warned me of over training prior to starting this journey. Fatigue set in early in the week and took some of the wind out of my sails. When you've experienced mental illness or are working through depression, that fatigue can be quite a punch. I missed one of my strength training days this week and missed a workout last night. I struggle with that internal irrational voice telling me that if I don't hit all of my training goals this week, then my marathon is in jeopardy. To challenge that loud and rather intrusive voice, I took a page out of my therapy work with folks who are making changes in their lives. I reminded myself "to be gentle on myself." I gave myself permission to recover and relax- the run is in October- and some running is certainly better than no running. On a more positive note, I have found my legs are adapting a bit better than last week.

In my previous post I described looking at myself in the mirror and noticing weight gain. There was a subtle nuance that I was not aware of until I spoke to a colleague at work. Non-fatal self injury/harm accompanies some folks experience with strong emotion. On a broad sense, self-harm serves a number of functions for individuals trying to cope with overwhelming emotion. First, there is the release of energy and feeling through psychical pain. Second, there is the mere desire to "feel" something- anything amid the bleakness of depression. For others, and this is where I think I was touching on last week, is the desire have a physical representation of an "illness" that you cannot see. I wonder if my emotional binge eating and neglect for my health was a form of self-harming behaviour. I feel that having something physical to attach to an invisible struggle validated (s) that indeed my experience is/was real.

I am moved by the generous donations that have been in through my "GoFundme" site. I have connected with the Executive Director of the Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council and we are meeting Monday to firm my fundraising campaign. If you wish to donate- please click on the link below.

http://www.gofundme.com/http-mentalhealt

Itiching for a slice of pizza and my first "Long Run."

Every second end of the week I go out for lunch. Today, I craved a slice of greasey pizza. I challenged myself to opt for a Quinoa salad instead.  I am reminding myself that food can be fuel.

Before going away for the weekend- I "hit the gym" for my second strength training session of the week. I acknowledged the rather critical messages I was sending myself, " everyone at this gym is so further ahead of me" "What am I doing? Using machines and not free-weights? Really Scott." The messages that were tumbling through my head were things I would never say to someone else- why are we so hard on ourselves? Or, it is just me and I am just hard on myself..

When I was changing, I looked in the mirror and saw how out of shape I was. I wondered if this was a physical representation of my mental illness. Emotional eating with the loss of energy that comes with depression, were a one-two punch on my physical health. Some mention that mental illness is an invisible "illness"- perhaps the weight gain was the "cast" that we would put on a broken wrist. In a sense this was validation that I had been through a tough patch.

Over the weekend I completed my "long run." My partner encouraged me to go beyond the 5k I thought I could complete. Together we ran 6k in 41minutes- my partner ran in front of me and looped back to encourage me to keep going. In the end, I was amazed that I chugged a long for that long. After the run, I was amazed with how good I felt. My sometimes wild emotions were relatively tamed and I was reminded with the increased ability to hold my attention to a task; I didn't feel nearly as scattered.

For this week- I will build on the momentum I've generated. For me, the hardest part was starting- I've got the ball rolling! I have to remind myself to take micro steps- I don't want this "zest" to lead to injury.

Training Goals: 

Mon- Rest

Tuesday- 5k

Wednesday- Increase weight by 5 pounds

Thursday- 5K

Friday- 3K

Saturday- Lift same weight at Tuesday

Sunday- Run 7k

Spare a muffin? Or Three? My First Weight Workout and Run

When the psychiatrist put me on one of my medications, he warned that I would crave carbs. Since starting the medication, I blindly ate what I craved, not really realizing that the cravings were bothering me. This morning as I pulled into work, all I wanted was a chocolate chip muffin. I could almost taste it in my mouth- I made a conscious effort to get into my office and drink the water I had packed.

Yesterday I went for my first run; completing 4k. As I was running I was very aware and self-conscious of how out of shape I felt and must have looked. I felt like a linebacker rumbling up the path- it was clunky, uncomfortable and nowhere near as "enjoying" as I hoped it would be. I kept reminding myself that "this too shall pass" and that in time, this won't feel as foreign and mechanic like. Also, growing up in a running family, I was surrounded by "athletes" who appeared to run well. Those self-defeating thoughts trickled into my consciousness, reminding me that I was not the perfect athlete. I wondered what the pack of "University of Guelph Cross Country team" must have thought as they whipped by me. This run will take more courage that I originally thought.

My first weight workout was another explicit reminder how out of shape I was. A circuit series that focused on chest, back and legs really sucked a lot of energy out of me. As instructed, I did 2 sets of 10 reps on a series of weight machines. There's a small piece of me that remembers how good it felt to get the heart pumping.

I have started a fundraising campaign. I hope that folks will donate. I am looking at a local suicide committee in Waterloo- I will announce the agency when I complete my follow up talks with them.

Click the link below to donate!
http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Again- thank you so much for your support!