3 Month Check-In: Change

Much has changed since my last post. I admittedly neglected writing, there is no particular reason, life sort of "took-off." I am pleased to inform my readers that my three month check-in comes on a positive note. My anxiety and depression have subsided. Further, I have made personal life choices that, while outside of the context of running, have demonstrated to be quite helpful in my day to day life.

First, my training has been going very well. A month ago I discovered a beautiful park within a three minute run from my office in Kitchener. Something I struggled with in previous months was battling the exhaustion of commuting to and from work and facing a run later in the evening. I have intentionally added a few smaller runs in during my lunch break (4-5K) and left my longer runs for the weekend. The outcome has been a realistic balance of exercise, work and personal time with my partner and other outlets of self-care. My longer runs are still not too long- maxing out right now at 8K- as I get closer to the half-marathon, I will start to increase the distance. On a related note, I was offered a full-time contract at work- with the extra money, I have decided to get a 3-day a week membership at Crossfit Guelph. Crossfit was something I really enjoyed, however, the cost was a deterrent. I will keep folks updated on when I begin Crossfit again and how I will implement it into my running.

As I have discussed in previous blogs, I have been working to create more outlets for personal care. On Wednesday, I completed a 6-week meditation class in Guelph, ON. Admittedly, I have my suspicions- how could sitting with my eyes closed for 20minutes possibly help my mental health. The six-week course has been life changing. I've learned a lot about mindfulness and being present in the here and now, as opposed to worrying about the past or future. Sitting quietly and turning your attention inward to your present sensations and emotions has been a strange experience. The other week I sat for 25minutes, after 10 minutes of sitting I was quite focused on my present emotional state. To my surprise I began to cry, there was a noticeable source of pain that was located in my stomach and in my heart. Instead of avoiding it, I remained present with it and breathed through the discomfort.  I "awoke" feeling quite attuned and in touch with myself. A very empowering experience.

Here are my 3-month numbers. I have not weighed myself in a few weeks, so I do not have that number. Nonetheless, I wanted to comment on my weight numbers. The first medication I take, a mood-stabilizer, makes losing weight very difficult. In fact, a lot of folks who start off on that medication gain considerable weight. The medication makes me feel better, and I've decided that I would rather be heavier than return to feeling as though I am in crisis. This is a difficult decision that many who take psychotropic medication make- a brave one in my opinion.


Third Measurement

Weight- ??
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 50mg (-50mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 25 (- 15 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 28    (-2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $574 out of $2,000
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Balance

Balance, what a concept. I think we live in a society that is somewhat unbalanced. In a capitalist society we are implicitly fed messages that hard work, dedication and an uncritical firm attachment to our work is regarded as "good for us." When I reflect on the last eight years of my life, I have lived a unbalanced life. Education, scholarship, social work and my professional sense of self, became my identity. I defined myself through my occupation and one of many things that interest me. Using an old analogy, all of my eggs had been placed into one basket. In our work-centric society, I was complimented for having a strong work ethic, I was "passionate." Beyond my awareness, was crumbling of other interests, sources of enjoyment and interpersonal outlets. I stopped paying attention to "Scott." A literal definition of mental health is the ability to physically and psychologically cope and manage with stressful events that occur in our daily lives. The ability to cope and rebound comes from the activities and ways of being we engage in that bring us enjoyment and meaning. When I fell into absolute crisis, I did not have the reserves to help me manage the "stressful events" that were occurring in my life. Those reserves were completely impoverished due to the unbalanced way I had been living.

I've eluded to this in other blog posts, the emphasis I placed on exercise to heal my wounds, is the same unbalanced way of living that got me into trouble in the first place. My recovery journey cannot only be contingent on running, weight lifting and eating well; I need wholeistic balance. Running and going to counselling are great practices for mental health recovery, however, they only capture a small piece of the pie. I want to build on what I am already doing well, and include dimensions such as; intellectual health, social health, spiritual health, among other domains. Defining these areas and taking time to engage in them is essentially balance!

My running is slowly coming along. I haven't posted a lot about training goals and distances yet, because I am still a little unstructured in the duration and frequency of my workouts. I am planning on joining a local crossfit gym in Guelph- I am hoping that this will ramp-up my training.


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