Reconnecting with Life

"Depression is not the absence of happiness- it is the void of vitality"- Andrew Solomon

When I started this blog, my goal was a little narrow. I wanted to reconnect with the athlete inside of me. Through the medium of exercise, I believed that improved physical activity would transcend into a better grasp on my mental health. What's narrow about this goal is that I did not consider what I had actually "disconnected from" and what I would start to "reconnect" with as my mental health improved. I think there is a difference between merely being alive and living, when I talk about finding the spark to live, I am referring to the kindling of passion, interest, and adventure.

In retrospect, as my mental illness got worse, I disengaged from a lot of various spheres in my life. I am sure many of you have heard of the common symptoms of depression " a loss of enjoyment in activities you previously enjoyed." Tied to this is the tendency for some folks to isolate themselves away from friends and family. I think that as my mental health decreased, I disconnected from the various facets of "living." I stopped going out with friends, I stopped going to the gym, I stopped reading, I stopped going outside, I stopped visiting family, I stopped writing, I stopped investing myself into my work. Introversion is something I have always identified with, and I still believe that I need silence and alone time, however, I do not think my disconnection from "living" was a reflection of introversion. As my mental health got worse, I found refuge in the solace of the couch and the glow of my computer screen. The consequence of my sedentary isolation was a worsening of my mental health and a drastic reducing in my physical health.

Over the past two weeks, there has been a spark. A small flicker of something inside, which is something I genuinely have not felt in years. I noticed today at the gym that I was intentionally connecting with outlets outside of the "safe" and limiting confines of my couch. I am reaching out, and this goes beyond merely running and weight lifting. I feel a flicker of passion at work again, I am reaching out and investing myself, I feel the urge to read a book, and am missing the people around me. I think living is very different than getting by; I think, I hope, I am starting to live again.

It is supporting and nurturing the reconnecting with "living" that I try and support clients who come to my office with. I often find that there is a lot of sludge that weighs down the motivation to get going again. Medication and therapy are only a part of one's recovery- finding the will to engage in life again is the trick. For me, I celebrate this small success, it's a start..