Fatigue and Giving Shape to an Invisible Foe

A number of individuals warned me of over training prior to starting this journey. Fatigue set in early in the week and took some of the wind out of my sails. When you've experienced mental illness or are working through depression, that fatigue can be quite a punch. I missed one of my strength training days this week and missed a workout last night. I struggle with that internal irrational voice telling me that if I don't hit all of my training goals this week, then my marathon is in jeopardy. To challenge that loud and rather intrusive voice, I took a page out of my therapy work with folks who are making changes in their lives. I reminded myself "to be gentle on myself." I gave myself permission to recover and relax- the run is in October- and some running is certainly better than no running. On a more positive note, I have found my legs are adapting a bit better than last week.

In my previous post I described looking at myself in the mirror and noticing weight gain. There was a subtle nuance that I was not aware of until I spoke to a colleague at work. Non-fatal self injury/harm accompanies some folks experience with strong emotion. On a broad sense, self-harm serves a number of functions for individuals trying to cope with overwhelming emotion. First, there is the release of energy and feeling through psychical pain. Second, there is the mere desire to "feel" something- anything amid the bleakness of depression. For others, and this is where I think I was touching on last week, is the desire have a physical representation of an "illness" that you cannot see. I wonder if my emotional binge eating and neglect for my health was a form of self-harming behaviour. I feel that having something physical to attach to an invisible struggle validated (s) that indeed my experience is/was real.

I am moved by the generous donations that have been in through my "GoFundme" site. I have connected with the Executive Director of the Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council and we are meeting Monday to firm my fundraising campaign. If you wish to donate- please click on the link below.

http://www.gofundme.com/http-mentalhealt