3 Month Check-In: Change

Much has changed since my last post. I admittedly neglected writing, there is no particular reason, life sort of "took-off." I am pleased to inform my readers that my three month check-in comes on a positive note. My anxiety and depression have subsided. Further, I have made personal life choices that, while outside of the context of running, have demonstrated to be quite helpful in my day to day life.

First, my training has been going very well. A month ago I discovered a beautiful park within a three minute run from my office in Kitchener. Something I struggled with in previous months was battling the exhaustion of commuting to and from work and facing a run later in the evening. I have intentionally added a few smaller runs in during my lunch break (4-5K) and left my longer runs for the weekend. The outcome has been a realistic balance of exercise, work and personal time with my partner and other outlets of self-care. My longer runs are still not too long- maxing out right now at 8K- as I get closer to the half-marathon, I will start to increase the distance. On a related note, I was offered a full-time contract at work- with the extra money, I have decided to get a 3-day a week membership at Crossfit Guelph. Crossfit was something I really enjoyed, however, the cost was a deterrent. I will keep folks updated on when I begin Crossfit again and how I will implement it into my running.

As I have discussed in previous blogs, I have been working to create more outlets for personal care. On Wednesday, I completed a 6-week meditation class in Guelph, ON. Admittedly, I have my suspicions- how could sitting with my eyes closed for 20minutes possibly help my mental health. The six-week course has been life changing. I've learned a lot about mindfulness and being present in the here and now, as opposed to worrying about the past or future. Sitting quietly and turning your attention inward to your present sensations and emotions has been a strange experience. The other week I sat for 25minutes, after 10 minutes of sitting I was quite focused on my present emotional state. To my surprise I began to cry, there was a noticeable source of pain that was located in my stomach and in my heart. Instead of avoiding it, I remained present with it and breathed through the discomfort.  I "awoke" feeling quite attuned and in touch with myself. A very empowering experience.

Here are my 3-month numbers. I have not weighed myself in a few weeks, so I do not have that number. Nonetheless, I wanted to comment on my weight numbers. The first medication I take, a mood-stabilizer, makes losing weight very difficult. In fact, a lot of folks who start off on that medication gain considerable weight. The medication makes me feel better, and I've decided that I would rather be heavier than return to feeling as though I am in crisis. This is a difficult decision that many who take psychotropic medication make- a brave one in my opinion.


Third Measurement

Weight- ??
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 50mg (-50mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 25 (- 15 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 28    (-2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $574 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Cameronhelps!

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Balance

Balance, what a concept. I think we live in a society that is somewhat unbalanced. In a capitalist society we are implicitly fed messages that hard work, dedication and an uncritical firm attachment to our work is regarded as "good for us." When I reflect on the last eight years of my life, I have lived a unbalanced life. Education, scholarship, social work and my professional sense of self, became my identity. I defined myself through my occupation and one of many things that interest me. Using an old analogy, all of my eggs had been placed into one basket. In our work-centric society, I was complimented for having a strong work ethic, I was "passionate." Beyond my awareness, was crumbling of other interests, sources of enjoyment and interpersonal outlets. I stopped paying attention to "Scott." A literal definition of mental health is the ability to physically and psychologically cope and manage with stressful events that occur in our daily lives. The ability to cope and rebound comes from the activities and ways of being we engage in that bring us enjoyment and meaning. When I fell into absolute crisis, I did not have the reserves to help me manage the "stressful events" that were occurring in my life. Those reserves were completely impoverished due to the unbalanced way I had been living.

I've eluded to this in other blog posts, the emphasis I placed on exercise to heal my wounds, is the same unbalanced way of living that got me into trouble in the first place. My recovery journey cannot only be contingent on running, weight lifting and eating well; I need wholeistic balance. Running and going to counselling are great practices for mental health recovery, however, they only capture a small piece of the pie. I want to build on what I am already doing well, and include dimensions such as; intellectual health, social health, spiritual health, among other domains. Defining these areas and taking time to engage in them is essentially balance!

My running is slowly coming along. I haven't posted a lot about training goals and distances yet, because I am still a little unstructured in the duration and frequency of my workouts. I am planning on joining a local crossfit gym in Guelph- I am hoping that this will ramp-up my training.


Please consider donating to CameronHelps- My goal is to reach $2,000 by October. No donation is too small :)

2 Month Check-In

It is hard to believe that it has been two months since I started my campaign. This journey has offered me more insight into my mental health than I anticipated. It has also invited me into the challenging and frustrating process of changing. When I started this work, I had this implicit assumption that I would "draw a line in the sand" and everything would automatically improve. My two month check-in reflects the difficulty making change is in one's life. I am open about this difficulty, because I suspect that others experience this challenge. In sharing my difficultly, I hope to normalize the process of change as a non-linear journey.

The distorted ways I think sometimes have been extremely critical lately, and I have invested a lot of energy into trying to sooth those thoughts.

What are these distorted thoughts you ask- in counselling, specifically, cognitive-behavioural work, counsellors work with their clients to unearth and challenge locked and unhelpful ways of thinking. For me, I tend to view the world as "black and white," this is often referred to as "all or nothing" thinking. For me, if I did not complete the entirety of my run or missed a run, I at times assume I have failed and let myself down. In social work- counsellors work with folks to see the "grey" between the "black" and "white." Another mode of unhelpful thinking is catastrophic thinking. If I don't train to the lofty goals I set for myself (another thinking distortion) I will experience anxiety and worry I have let people, groups down. So, these are the narratives I have been wrestling with this month.

Generally, I had a rough month. I went out on vacation for 5 days and didn't eat as well as I hoped. I fell off my training regime and as discussed earlier, became quite self-critical of my campaign. The self-criticism (thoughts) influence my behaviour- in this case I got a little down and lost the motivation to train. Nonetheless, I have jumped back on the horse this weekend and have had two good runs and a great weight workout.

I do not think change is linear. My goal for this month is to continue to be gentle on myself and allow myself to make mistakes. Every major change I have made in my life had it's stumbling blocks- the nature of change is overcoming those challenges- it makes us resilient. ;)


Second Measurement

Weight- 199lbs (- 6lbs)
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 100mg (-+25mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 36 (+ 6 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 33    (+ 2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $405 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Reconnecting with Life

"Depression is not the absence of happiness- it is the void of vitality"- Andrew Solomon

When I started this blog, my goal was a little narrow. I wanted to reconnect with the athlete inside of me. Through the medium of exercise, I believed that improved physical activity would transcend into a better grasp on my mental health. What's narrow about this goal is that I did not consider what I had actually "disconnected from" and what I would start to "reconnect" with as my mental health improved. I think there is a difference between merely being alive and living, when I talk about finding the spark to live, I am referring to the kindling of passion, interest, and adventure.

In retrospect, as my mental illness got worse, I disengaged from a lot of various spheres in my life. I am sure many of you have heard of the common symptoms of depression " a loss of enjoyment in activities you previously enjoyed." Tied to this is the tendency for some folks to isolate themselves away from friends and family. I think that as my mental health decreased, I disconnected from the various facets of "living." I stopped going out with friends, I stopped going to the gym, I stopped reading, I stopped going outside, I stopped visiting family, I stopped writing, I stopped investing myself into my work. Introversion is something I have always identified with, and I still believe that I need silence and alone time, however, I do not think my disconnection from "living" was a reflection of introversion. As my mental health got worse, I found refuge in the solace of the couch and the glow of my computer screen. The consequence of my sedentary isolation was a worsening of my mental health and a drastic reducing in my physical health.

Over the past two weeks, there has been a spark. A small flicker of something inside, which is something I genuinely have not felt in years. I noticed today at the gym that I was intentionally connecting with outlets outside of the "safe" and limiting confines of my couch. I am reaching out, and this goes beyond merely running and weight lifting. I feel a flicker of passion at work again, I am reaching out and investing myself, I feel the urge to read a book, and am missing the people around me. I think living is very different than getting by; I think, I hope, I am starting to live again.

It is supporting and nurturing the reconnecting with "living" that I try and support clients who come to my office with. I often find that there is a lot of sludge that weighs down the motivation to get going again. Medication and therapy are only a part of one's recovery- finding the will to engage in life again is the trick. For me, I celebrate this small success, it's a start..

New Partnership, Training Update

My training this week slipped somewhat. For the past two weeks, I had been generating some momentum and was feeling quite good about my progress. I can't put my finger on what was different about this than others. I felt as though the motivation to get out and physically move my body just wasn't there. In reflection, I had regressed into some older habits that don't support both my mental and physical health. From working with clients who are working to make change in their lives, I know that this step-back is a part of the change process. For those of you outside of the helping profession, there are a series of stages one passes through. For the past few weeks I shifted into what is called "the action stage." The model is cyclical, meaning a person moves through the stages and can experience "relapse." The re-enter to a place before "action" (pre-contemplation or contemplation) and try taking "action" through changing again. As I "relapsed" this week, it was interesting, I my self-criticism became harsher, my concentration shortened, and my body felt uncoordinated and heavy.

Motivation to jump back into the "action" stage came this week when I met with a community partner through the Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council. Together, we discussed my work, what I was intending to achieve and how the money I am raising could be put to use. I am pleased to announce I have formed a partnership with a wonderful organization called "Cameron Helps." This organization was founded after 19 year old youth named Cameron suicided. From this tragedy, CameronHelps aims to prevent teen suicide through awareness, reducing stigma and wellness. Team Unbreakable is its flagship recreational run program, now in more than 25 Ontario high schools. It also offers a run-therapy program for hospitals, community and health agencies. 

With some community support, I will re-enter, the action stage and as gently as I can, push myself to complete both my fundraising and fitness goals. 

CameronHelps Website- cameronhelps.ca

GoFundme Fundraising Site: https://funds.gofundme.com/dashboard

- OR Click on the CameronHelps donation badge at the top of the blog.


This Week's Training: 
Monday- Strength Training 
Tuesday- 3 miles
Wednesday- Strength Training 
Thursday- 3 miles
Friday- Rest
Saturday- 4 miles
Sunday- 3 miles

Becoming Uniquely Human

Something occurred to me the other day. I was sitting in a staff meeting and I heard a very empowering story of another individuals mental health recovery. The story sounded like many others I had read about and heard from other survivors. First, I want to clarify, recovery is a specific practice orientation in the mental health field. When I write about my "recovery" I am touching on the practice of learning to engage in practices that allows one to live and engage in their environment in a meaningful, intentional and purposeful way. I am not expressing an definitive end-point where the manifestations of  mental health are magically removed. The notion of an "illness" being matched with a "cure" to restore one to a state of equilibrium is a notion that is deeply rooted in our medical system. Example, you have a cough, you go to your doctor, they give you a prescription and the cough is subsequently treated. In mental health recovery work, one's situation is incredibly subjective and there is no, at this time, a cure all for trick, medication or therapy, that removes symptoms. Mental health recovery is about engaging in a way of living that allows one to really live with mental illness, but in a more tolerable, comfortable and intensional way. There is no end point, one is always engaging in recovery and fine tuning their recovery plan. Some folks reach the point of not requiring medications; this does not mean that they will never need medication again- rather, at this fixed time they are engaging in other recovery strategies.

Back to the imprint of this narrative on my own recovery plan. For a number of years I think I was waiting for that "cure" to completely remove my symptoms. I had this myopic view, despite working in mental health, that a psychiatrist, therapist or a pill would one day restore me back to pre-depression/anxiety. The individual who shared their story with me expressed that their journey through recovery was inspired when they realized that "nobody else was going to do this but themselves." I realized that nobody else, including professional help and medication, was going to wave a magic wand over me and remove my symptoms. One of my favourite mental health scholars, Pat Deegan, describes the process of recovery in the most eloquent of terms- recovery is not the process of becoming normal, rather it is the process of becoming uniquely human.

I think this insight into my own recovery journey, the one I am sharing publicly, really instills and contextualizes what I hope to get out of this process. My recovery is more than completing a half-marathon, rather the journey of training for this half-marathon serves to ignite the myriad of other strategies that will assist me in becoming uniquely human.

First Check-In and Progress Update

When I ran my first half-marathon, I was 25 years old. At the ripe old age of 31, I am finding the training process quite draining and uncomfortable. My body is slightly slower to recover from my long runs, which has been a little frustrating. I am still finding the combination of weight training and running quite difficult- I think this will take longer than I anticipated. A substantial piece of the equation is the sedentary lifestyle I've lived for the past few years. Especially when my mental health worsened, I found a lot of safety and security on the couch. I don't think my fitness has ever been as low as it was when I started this journey. Again, a symptom or physical marker of that invisible shadow that has resided in my head for the last while.

My 31st birthday was over the weekend. I gave myself permission to eat and drink anything I wanted. While this enjoyed, veering off my "diet" really brought me down. I shifted from feeling quite energetic back to a consistent sense of fatigue. For those of you who take mental health medication, you will know that alcohol really throws you. My training did suffer over the weekend and into this week. Setbacks will occur- some running is better than no running and I am reminding myself to "be gentle" on my self-criticism.

Aside from the discomfort, I do believe I am making progress. My partner still kicks my butt on our runs, however, I am finding the mechanics of running are a little better "programmed." My long runs have gotten up to 7K and I am in a place now where I will formally use a running program. I forgot to write about this earlier, however, the first few weeks were merely getting my legs and lungs moving. Now that I am covering some distances in my run, I am follow a running program. Mentally, I am feeling well (touch wood). My first month measurements are promising.


I will update everyone with the specific running plan that I select.

First Measurement

Weight- 200lbs (- 5lbs)
Medication #1- 200mg
Medication # 2- 75mg (- 25mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 34 (- 6 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 31  (- 1 point)


Waterloo Suicide Prevention Council Fund- $185 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug