Long-Past Check-In: A New Hope

As is life..... Life got busy, and I allowed my blogging to fall by the way-side. I am resisting telling myself that I "should" have been writing more often. In one of the groups I facilitate at work, we call this "shoulding" on ourselves. So, I refuse to apologize, however, I believe I may have just covertly did.

As I wrote in my previous blog, I decided to shift my training from running to Crossfit. I wish I could tell you how incredible crossfit has been, however, the change of pace has come with some challenges. As I have indicated, my mental health took a toll on my body physically. Mental health isn't just mental, it takes a toll on you. The lack of energy, the anxiety and the daily struggle to escape your pressing negative thoughts doesn't exactly inspire you to get off the couch and exercise. For most of my life I have been "good" at sports. I've enjoyed relatively good hand-eye coordination and my limbs had always tended to move in the direction I wanted them. Returning to crossfit was a very depressing and frustrating experience. After my first workout I looked at myself and said "you're going to have to get used to be the absolutely worst in your class. Trying to execute the exercises leaves me almost wanting to cry- my body just doesn't do what I want it to do. I become very angry with mental health and subsequently become angered with the lack of support that was available to me. The negative self-talk runs like a tape recorder- "they must think you're so out of shape" " you're probably not even doing it right." While my confidence in the gym struggles, I have realized that while I am in crossfit, I am practicing mindfulness. My thoughts aren't wandering, they are focused on my form, counting repetitions, or simply trying to get through the workout. This was a pleasant and unexpected experience.

Despite the challenges I've experienced, I know it will get easier. The "crossfit community" has been incredibly supportive and encouraging. This is an outlet that I can see developing into a primary coping strategy; I am thankful I've reached out to this network.

Below is my check-in. I've had a tough go with my depression this month, the anxiety of returning to school (regardless if I am actually going or not) still pulls me. Thus, my numbers have dropped- I hope to improve these numbers for next check-in.

I am going to try and write more often. Perhaps report on what "crazy" workout I have been exposed to.

Fourth Measurement

Weight- 200lbs
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 50mg (-50mg's)
Depression Inventory Score 27.5 ( -12 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 28    (-2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $674 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Cameronhelps!

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Shifting Gears a little: A New Starting Line

I'm going to put it out there. I have not even come close to hitting my training goals and a half-marathon seems very intimidating. As I write this blog, I feel a sense of panic arise, and I hear a voice telling my what a failure I am. I've written about the difficult journey of change before, and I thought that as I wrote about change I would have a better sense of how to engage and overcome the difficulty of changing. Well, I haven't, in fact, this whole journey of mental health recovery is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. In retrospect, I believe I had some unrealistic beliefs that my recovery would be this beautiful linear journey. Let me tell you, recovering is a challenging process that is beyond simply putting on running shoes and going for a run; I believe now it's about being frank with yourself and getting to the core of what makes you tick.


Running does not make me tick. From a young age I was implicitly told that being a runner was the highest of standards in the athletic/fitness community. The logic in selecting running as my medium of physical recovery was the notion of aspiring to a high level of fitness. Since starting my blog, I've learned that my recovery is not solely contingent on my physical fitness and true health involves all sorts of other realms (spiritual, social, psychological).


So, if running does make me "tick" than what am I going to do in terms of my physical health. I tried going to Goodlife fitness and I was more annoyed than inspired. So, I started back into Crossfit, which was something I really enjoyed a number of years ago. This morning I completed my first workout and I was the absolute worst in the class. However, I had fun and really enjoyed myself. I decided on my drive into work this morning that I would shift my blog to my mental health recovery, using Crossfit, as opposed to running. I also decided to run a 10k race as opposed to the half-marathon; this was a tough decision and the negative self-talk that chatters away inside me had a field day with this decision. I told myself, an agency (Cameronhelps) will still benefit from my fundraising and I will be doing something (Crossfit) that I actually enjoy.


I am overdue on my check-in, and will do that later this week. I am happy to express that my mental health continues to improve.


Please, if you have not already, donate to the "Go-fundme" account I have set up for Cameronhelps.

Vicarious Resilience: How those I support, care for me.

This afternoon I went for a 6K run. It was hot, I didn't really want to go and I thought about just skipping my run. I told myself that if I went for 10 minutes and still didn't want to run, I would turn back. As Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley and the crew rocked out in my ear phones, I began to think about a topic I had recently presented on at work.

Vicarious Resilience refers to the positive paradigm shift that occurs in helping professionals. When working with folks who have experienced challenging life circumstances we tend to see the harm, damage and negative trauma folks have experienced. I became aware of this early this year- after completing an assessment- I would say to
myself "that poor person." Implicit in my thinking was a deficit understanding of this persons reality; I neglected the strength of their recovery. Vicarious resilience in its simplest terms is the shifting of the "helper" to learn resilience from the people they support. If you're interested in my slide-show presentation- please let me know and I will share it.

I began to think of vicarious resilience on my run. I've been completing assessments for a new group I am running in the community. As I was running I began to think of the stories of recovery from the past few weeks. Stories of diagnosis and life experiences that exceed anything I had experienced. I thought about their journey and felt a sense of inspiration to continue to heal and get well. The incredible journey of people I work with instil a sense of hope in me, not that I will recovery to optimal health, but that there is a life to live admit mental health crisis.

As I looked down at my watch- I had been running for 40:00 minutes. The consumer/survivors I belong to and support gave me the inspiration to continue to take care of myself. This is a form of support that transcends the dominate and mainstream mental health system- this is a system where there aren't clients, or patients; there is only a bond between two people.

3 Month Check-In: Change

Much has changed since my last post. I admittedly neglected writing, there is no particular reason, life sort of "took-off." I am pleased to inform my readers that my three month check-in comes on a positive note. My anxiety and depression have subsided. Further, I have made personal life choices that, while outside of the context of running, have demonstrated to be quite helpful in my day to day life.

First, my training has been going very well. A month ago I discovered a beautiful park within a three minute run from my office in Kitchener. Something I struggled with in previous months was battling the exhaustion of commuting to and from work and facing a run later in the evening. I have intentionally added a few smaller runs in during my lunch break (4-5K) and left my longer runs for the weekend. The outcome has been a realistic balance of exercise, work and personal time with my partner and other outlets of self-care. My longer runs are still not too long- maxing out right now at 8K- as I get closer to the half-marathon, I will start to increase the distance. On a related note, I was offered a full-time contract at work- with the extra money, I have decided to get a 3-day a week membership at Crossfit Guelph. Crossfit was something I really enjoyed, however, the cost was a deterrent. I will keep folks updated on when I begin Crossfit again and how I will implement it into my running.

As I have discussed in previous blogs, I have been working to create more outlets for personal care. On Wednesday, I completed a 6-week meditation class in Guelph, ON. Admittedly, I have my suspicions- how could sitting with my eyes closed for 20minutes possibly help my mental health. The six-week course has been life changing. I've learned a lot about mindfulness and being present in the here and now, as opposed to worrying about the past or future. Sitting quietly and turning your attention inward to your present sensations and emotions has been a strange experience. The other week I sat for 25minutes, after 10 minutes of sitting I was quite focused on my present emotional state. To my surprise I began to cry, there was a noticeable source of pain that was located in my stomach and in my heart. Instead of avoiding it, I remained present with it and breathed through the discomfort.  I "awoke" feeling quite attuned and in touch with myself. A very empowering experience.

Here are my 3-month numbers. I have not weighed myself in a few weeks, so I do not have that number. Nonetheless, I wanted to comment on my weight numbers. The first medication I take, a mood-stabilizer, makes losing weight very difficult. In fact, a lot of folks who start off on that medication gain considerable weight. The medication makes me feel better, and I've decided that I would rather be heavier than return to feeling as though I am in crisis. This is a difficult decision that many who take psychotropic medication make- a brave one in my opinion.


Third Measurement

Weight- ??
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 50mg (-50mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 25 (- 15 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 28    (-2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $574 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Cameronhelps!

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Balance

Balance, what a concept. I think we live in a society that is somewhat unbalanced. In a capitalist society we are implicitly fed messages that hard work, dedication and an uncritical firm attachment to our work is regarded as "good for us." When I reflect on the last eight years of my life, I have lived a unbalanced life. Education, scholarship, social work and my professional sense of self, became my identity. I defined myself through my occupation and one of many things that interest me. Using an old analogy, all of my eggs had been placed into one basket. In our work-centric society, I was complimented for having a strong work ethic, I was "passionate." Beyond my awareness, was crumbling of other interests, sources of enjoyment and interpersonal outlets. I stopped paying attention to "Scott." A literal definition of mental health is the ability to physically and psychologically cope and manage with stressful events that occur in our daily lives. The ability to cope and rebound comes from the activities and ways of being we engage in that bring us enjoyment and meaning. When I fell into absolute crisis, I did not have the reserves to help me manage the "stressful events" that were occurring in my life. Those reserves were completely impoverished due to the unbalanced way I had been living.

I've eluded to this in other blog posts, the emphasis I placed on exercise to heal my wounds, is the same unbalanced way of living that got me into trouble in the first place. My recovery journey cannot only be contingent on running, weight lifting and eating well; I need wholeistic balance. Running and going to counselling are great practices for mental health recovery, however, they only capture a small piece of the pie. I want to build on what I am already doing well, and include dimensions such as; intellectual health, social health, spiritual health, among other domains. Defining these areas and taking time to engage in them is essentially balance!

My running is slowly coming along. I haven't posted a lot about training goals and distances yet, because I am still a little unstructured in the duration and frequency of my workouts. I am planning on joining a local crossfit gym in Guelph- I am hoping that this will ramp-up my training.


Please consider donating to CameronHelps- My goal is to reach $2,000 by October. No donation is too small :)

2 Month Check-In

It is hard to believe that it has been two months since I started my campaign. This journey has offered me more insight into my mental health than I anticipated. It has also invited me into the challenging and frustrating process of changing. When I started this work, I had this implicit assumption that I would "draw a line in the sand" and everything would automatically improve. My two month check-in reflects the difficulty making change is in one's life. I am open about this difficulty, because I suspect that others experience this challenge. In sharing my difficultly, I hope to normalize the process of change as a non-linear journey.

The distorted ways I think sometimes have been extremely critical lately, and I have invested a lot of energy into trying to sooth those thoughts.

What are these distorted thoughts you ask- in counselling, specifically, cognitive-behavioural work, counsellors work with their clients to unearth and challenge locked and unhelpful ways of thinking. For me, I tend to view the world as "black and white," this is often referred to as "all or nothing" thinking. For me, if I did not complete the entirety of my run or missed a run, I at times assume I have failed and let myself down. In social work- counsellors work with folks to see the "grey" between the "black" and "white." Another mode of unhelpful thinking is catastrophic thinking. If I don't train to the lofty goals I set for myself (another thinking distortion) I will experience anxiety and worry I have let people, groups down. So, these are the narratives I have been wrestling with this month.

Generally, I had a rough month. I went out on vacation for 5 days and didn't eat as well as I hoped. I fell off my training regime and as discussed earlier, became quite self-critical of my campaign. The self-criticism (thoughts) influence my behaviour- in this case I got a little down and lost the motivation to train. Nonetheless, I have jumped back on the horse this weekend and have had two good runs and a great weight workout.

I do not think change is linear. My goal for this month is to continue to be gentle on myself and allow myself to make mistakes. Every major change I have made in my life had it's stumbling blocks- the nature of change is overcoming those challenges- it makes us resilient. ;)


Second Measurement

Weight- 199lbs (- 6lbs)
Medication #1- 200mg ( No change)
Medication # 2- 100mg (-+25mg's)
Depression Inventory Score- 36 (+ 6 points)
Anxiety Inventory Score- 33    (+ 2 points)


Cameronhelps Donation Campaign- $405 out of $2,000
PLEASE DONATE to Waterloo-Kitchener Suicide Prevention

http://www.gofundme.com/qcc4qug

Reconnecting with Life

"Depression is not the absence of happiness- it is the void of vitality"- Andrew Solomon

When I started this blog, my goal was a little narrow. I wanted to reconnect with the athlete inside of me. Through the medium of exercise, I believed that improved physical activity would transcend into a better grasp on my mental health. What's narrow about this goal is that I did not consider what I had actually "disconnected from" and what I would start to "reconnect" with as my mental health improved. I think there is a difference between merely being alive and living, when I talk about finding the spark to live, I am referring to the kindling of passion, interest, and adventure.

In retrospect, as my mental illness got worse, I disengaged from a lot of various spheres in my life. I am sure many of you have heard of the common symptoms of depression " a loss of enjoyment in activities you previously enjoyed." Tied to this is the tendency for some folks to isolate themselves away from friends and family. I think that as my mental health decreased, I disconnected from the various facets of "living." I stopped going out with friends, I stopped going to the gym, I stopped reading, I stopped going outside, I stopped visiting family, I stopped writing, I stopped investing myself into my work. Introversion is something I have always identified with, and I still believe that I need silence and alone time, however, I do not think my disconnection from "living" was a reflection of introversion. As my mental health got worse, I found refuge in the solace of the couch and the glow of my computer screen. The consequence of my sedentary isolation was a worsening of my mental health and a drastic reducing in my physical health.

Over the past two weeks, there has been a spark. A small flicker of something inside, which is something I genuinely have not felt in years. I noticed today at the gym that I was intentionally connecting with outlets outside of the "safe" and limiting confines of my couch. I am reaching out, and this goes beyond merely running and weight lifting. I feel a flicker of passion at work again, I am reaching out and investing myself, I feel the urge to read a book, and am missing the people around me. I think living is very different than getting by; I think, I hope, I am starting to live again.

It is supporting and nurturing the reconnecting with "living" that I try and support clients who come to my office with. I often find that there is a lot of sludge that weighs down the motivation to get going again. Medication and therapy are only a part of one's recovery- finding the will to engage in life again is the trick. For me, I celebrate this small success, it's a start..